no longer blind
I believe life is a school. The purpose of our presence on Earth is to learn lessons and share what we’ve learned.
My greatest teachers have come in the form of relationships.
I have been a “relationship person” since I was 13 years old. I love love. Most of my life I have either been in a serious relationship or dating to find the next serious one.
Although some might disagree with this way of living, I have found it amazingly insightful. Relationships show me where I need to do the work. They train me in communication, empathy, and patience. They reflect where I stand within myself. They reveal the human spirit’s deepest secrets and dark shadow sides.
It is through relationships that I have found my independence and strength as an individual. Ironic, eh?
my shadow side
I have struggled with insecurity, unworthiness and feeling small my whole life. To make up for my low self-esteem as a teenager, I would strive to get straight A+’s, have all the starring roles in the school play, win competitions, and be the leader in multiple organizations. I never stopped moving, constantly working and performing. I needed these accomplishments to prove my worth and get praise. I wanted people to like me because I was so successful.
I was like a machine running on the fuel of achievements. When I wasn’t working, I would spend time with my boyfriend at the time to continue avoiding the sadness I was covering up inside.
When I started dating my ex-husband, it fit perfectly into my model. He was hardworking and success-driven. Even though there were issues with our communication from the beginning, I ignored them. It was easy to push past the painful feelings when we were both so focused on making money and climbing the ladder.
finding the light
Everything was going fine until I started on a path to my own healing.
The shift happened slowly within me. As I started opening my eyes, I saw how I was viewing myself through a broken and distorted lens. I saw the patterns I was stuck in. I was beating myself up for not being ‘good enough.’ Since I was already treating myself poorly, I hadn’t even noticed the pain of being emotionally wounded by another person. I pushed passed the pain to keep the machine running. Once I began learning how to accept and love myself more, I realized that I was not being accepted and loved in my relationship.
“The limit of your self-abuse is the limit you will tolerate from other people.”
-Don Miguel Ruiz, The Mastery of Love
Creative expression often reveals to us our deepest truths. I remember opening my songwriting notebook at the time and seeing the theme over and over. My soul had been trying to tell me for years through my lyrics. I didn't think twice about it until the reality hit me.
As I grew in self-love, I could no longer accept the toxic dynamic in my relationship. When I started standing up for myself and demanding respect, I was met with resistance. I was told I was being selfish. I was told I was crazy.
I felt like I was spinning in circles, struggling to find the truth, scared of what the future might look like alone. Even though my mind was full of fear, I knew in my gut that I had to leave the relationship. The universe gave me many signs during that time through messages in my meditations, the people I would meet, butterflies, numbers, and most interestingly, my Spotify Discover Weekly. (You can listen to the transformation playlist that came to me throughout this time here)
now i’m no longer blind
Choosing to walk away from the relationship meant taking full responsibility for my life. I couldn’t blame the relationship for my unhappiness and I couldn’t force him to change his ways. We can only ever change ourselves.
It has been quite a journey since then. A whole new set of lessons and challenges. I am EXTREMELY grateful for Melanie Tonia Evans’ Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. It has been a complete game-changer for me. It has helped me get out of “victim” mode and move into my power. It has uncovered the root of my negative and limiting beliefs about myself. It has taught me how to love ALL of the parts of myself and release old trauma. I highly recommend it if you or anyone you know is struggling with emotional abuse.
We are responsible for our own joy and freedom. Don’t be afraid to thrive. Listen to your heart and follow that inner voice. Set yourself free from the chains that keep you small or stuck. Open your eyes to the limitless potential that life has to offer you! Let your hair down, dance and now enjoy my new single ;)
No Longer Blind
Stream on Spotify
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No I’m not sorry you hurt me, baby
Just wasn't worth my time
I had to leave you but with no reason
Thought I had lost my mind
But now the colors have come together
Where it was black and white
You paint your picture. You tell your stories.
Now I’m no longer blind.
Now I’m no longer, now I’m no longer
Now I’m no longer blind
You covered me in a world of pleasure
And I was swept away
With every word you, you drew me deeper
Into your twisted fate
But you expect me to not see through you
Afraid what I might find
Well now I’m living a life of color
Cause I’m no longer blind
Now I’m no longer, now I’m no longer
Now I’m no longer blind
a life of color
As the beautiful and powerful Clair Zammit taught me, “Life is mirroring and matching how you’re showing up.” I now choose to show up loving, accepting of myself, joyful and full of light. I’m not afraid to be BIG. To speak my mind and share my heart. I am grateful for the way Life continues to reflect these values back to me.
Once we release the old pains, cut the toxic ties in our lives, forgive and begin to love again, life opens up.
“Love coming out of you is the only way to be happy. Unconditional love for yourself. Complete surrender to that love for yourself. You no longer resist life. You no longer reject yourself. You no longer carry all that blame and guilt. You just accept who you are, and accept everyone else the way he or she is”
-Don Miguel Ruiz, Mastery of Love
Much love to you all on your beautiful journey
through the school of life.