i wish you love
It is so easy to be bitter after a breakup. We tend to focus on our partner’s flaws, say we deserved better and stay stuck in anger. We claim we were a “fool,” that “he never loved me” or write the whole relationship off as a waste of time.
Why does a breakup suddenly make our partner into an enemy? Why do we cut ties with our mutual friends and throw away any reminders of our lover?
When someone we love dies, we honor them and hold their memories close. And yet so quickly when our partner is no longer “our” partner, we do everything to forget about them.
Perhaps it is because we cling to our romantic relationships more as attachments instead of letting them breathe as blissful love.
what is love?
True love is unconditional. It wants the best for the other, even if that means you are not involved. I think Paul summed it up perfectly in his letter to the Corinthians:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
And yet, the way we tend to show up in relationships is often the opposite. We are judgmental, quick-tempered, controlling, holding grudges, competitive, full of worry and jealousy. When I am acting this way in relationship, it is usually a result of fear. Fear is selfish and doesn’t allow love to flourish. Don Miguel Ruiz beautifully describes the how love and fear manifest in relationships in this article. It’s definitely worth reading.
love hurts
When I reflect on my past relationship, I see how much fear was present. I see how we were re-enacting our painful wounds of the past. When I was in fear, I would hide and shrink myself. I would become a helpless little child and want to run away. My partner’s style was more outwardly dominant: defensive and argumentative. This created a dangerous dance. We would blame each other as our triggers pushed us to the extreme.
love reveals
Triggers can be blessings that help us clear stuck energy in our bodies. I believe we subconsciously choose partner in order to work out the major blocks within ourselves. Life always finds a way to pull you deeper. Our intimate partners can help mirror and reveal the parts of us that are stuck. When love is patient and kind, your partner can support you in the healing process of releasing old hurt.
But when a trigger completely takes you over, then more pain can ensue. If both partners are pressing play on their reactive programming, the traumatic beliefs from the past are reaffirmed and the cycle continues.
So, how can we slow down enough to notice what’s really happening?
Meditation is essential. I speak more about my meditation journey on my previous blog freedom.
Self-awareness - become the observer of yourself. notice patterns and repetitive thoughts. tune into your body. get to know the different characters that exist in your inner world.
Compassion - be patient with yourself and others. the more we can fully love and accept our own struggling parts, the more we can embrace others.
Listening - most of the time when we listen, we are making assumptions or judgments in our mind and anxiously awaiting ‘our turn’ to talk. instead, try going deeper with your partner. ask questions, be present, explore with them. don’t interrupt them.
What I want in relationship is to be able to step back in these heated moments and take a breath.
To ask: What am I feeling most deeply right now in my body?
To be open in sharing those true feelings.
To move from the heart and not the reactive mind.
To recognize that it is not personal.
love heals
I think I am pretty good at analyzing, reflecting and sharing lessons from my past.
What I struggle with the most is FEELING all of the painful, icky feelings. To go into the darkness, the sadness, the anger. To actually turn my rational mind off and sit with the despair in my heart.
In the past, I’ve been an EXPERT at not feeling. I distract myself with work, new relationships, alcohol, obsessive reading, learning. anything but the feelings, please.
Pushing past, ignoring or covering up "negative” feelings is something we have learned in our society. How many times have you heard “Just put on a happy face” or “Turn that frown upside-down”?
Even our friends typically respond to our heartbreak with “There’s plenty of fish in the sea” or “Forget about him!”
Empathy is about feeling with another human. Not trying to change their experience or get them out it. Since many of us are uncomfortable with our own “dark” feelings, we have trouble holding space for someone else’s.
But this time, I decided to try something new. Dive into the anger. Let the pain wash over me. Stay in the sad mushiness.
And out of that dark space, a poem emerged. A poem about letting the fire of my despair refine me like gold. A love letter to my former partner. A sincere attempt at transforming my bitterness into compassion.
I brought the poem to the piano the next day where melody and harmony flowed in effortlessly. An anthem for the broken-hearted. And the day after that, I recorded a beautiful music video with Dave Nash here on Maui.
It was an emotional, healing experience that I am now grateful to share with all of you. I held nothing back as I sang this song from my aching heart. I think it is the most honest song I’ve written and performance I’ve given.
Here is my newest creation, “I Wish You Love.”
I Wish You Love
We couldn't seem to meet halfway
Exist within the shades of gray
Too caught up in black and white
Who is wrong and who is right
I never wanted to win the war
I’m sorry if it seemed that way
Your heart is all I was longing for
and now we’re stuck in blame
But I won’t hold your words against you, I will wish you well
I am working on forgiveness for you and for myself
And even when that burning rage arises in my bones
I will let that fire refine me so I can wish you love
I know that we both did our best
Through every challenge, every test
I may never understand
the pain you clenched inside of your hands
The parts of you that you denied
until they took your body over
I hope that in the calm of night
you feel that angel on your shoulder
I won’t hold your words against you, I will wish you well
I am working on forgiveness for you and for myself
And even when that burning rage arises in my bones
I will let that fire refine me so I can wish you love
I wish you love
I wish you peace
I wish you joy in everything
I wish you hope when the dark surrounds you
May you feel my arms around you
I am there beside you through the storm
And I won’t hold your words against you, I will wish you well
I am working on forgiveness for you and for myself
And even when that burning rage arises in my bones
I will let that fire refine me so I can wish you love
I wish you love
I wish you love
The cycle of death and rebirth continues on. And how synchronistic that I am writing this the weekend of the Spring Equinox. As I mourn the ending of a beautiful chapter of my life, I walk into the unknown beginnings of whatever lies ahead.
I wish you all peace and love as you move through your own incredible unfoldment.
PS - I am relaunching my Patreon page! I have a vision of recording my next album (which will include this song) in Woodstock, New York with a full Gospel choir and band.
If you are interested in becoming a supporting member of my dream team, learn more here.