how can i better love you

the story

I spent a lot of my marriage in question. Song after song, I would write...

Will you show me the way to your heart?

How can I reach you when you’re closing up all your doors?

Can you bring my baby back to me?

How can I better love you?


I had a beautiful marriage in many ways, but communication was a struggle.

Communication is an essential part of any relationship. It allows businesses to thrive, wars to end, families to reunite. When communication fails, we try to fill the gap somehow: we plead until we get an answer, we might make up our own stories in our mind about the situation, or cross our arms and turn away.

When the person you love the most in your life won’t communicate with you, it can leave you feeling pretty lonely.

I am a sensitive person and can tell when something is ‘off’ or when someone is feeling down. When I was married, I felt like I couldn’t trust my sensor. I knew there was something going on with my partner, but I would be met with denial. It left me feeling disconnected, confused and isolated.

After several years of experiencing this pattern, I hit a breaking point.

In 2017, we moved to Los Angeles from Saint Louis, our hometown. We both wanted change in our lives and I wanted to be in a bigger city to chase my music dreams. During that first year of living in California, things grew more and more toxic in our dynamic. Communication got worse. It became clear that he didn’t feel at home in LA.

If you can't be honest about your feelings, it doesn’t make the feelings go away. They often just simmer deep within, causing resentment.

That winter, reality hit me. I stepped back from our relationship and saw how it was falling apart. I realized how unhappy we both were.

When we were home in St. Louis over the holidays, I sat at the piano at my parents’ house and wrote “How Can I Better Love You” in under 10 minutes. It poured out of me as a desperate plea… “I don’t want to say that we could be through.. so how can I better love you?”

I played it for him, hoping he would hear me. Hoping he would open up to me. Let me into his thoughts and feelings.

But after I played it for him with tears in my eyes, he just patted me on the back, saying “Great song, Lola” and walked away.

That was the moment I shut down. The song marked the beginning of the end of my relationship.

the song

Musically with the production of this song, I wanted it to be as raw and real as possible. I chose to sing and play piano live at Dragonfly Creek Recording Studio in Malibu. It was pretty amazing creating music in the same studio as Coldplay and Lady Gaga. I remember it was pouring down rain that day... rare in Los Angeles. It helped set the mood.

When you are in the studio, it’s easy to get in your head and become over-critical. I realized that was happening so I started visualizing the day I wrote the song and put myself back in that place. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as I began my fourth take of singing and playing the song. When I finished, everyone was silent. We all knew that was the one. I barely made it through the last note.

The next step was getting my dear friend, Bjorn Ranheim to record the cello part that I wrote for the song. He recorded in St. Louis at Shock City Studios with Sam Maul.

I then took these pieces to my producer, Tom Kendall Hughes, in Long Beach. He added the magical finishing touches and set the vibe even more. Charley Pollard mixed the track and Stephen Marsh mastered it.

A huge thanks to every single team member for your beautiful contribution! It definitely takes a village to bring a vision to life.

the video

As I have grown over the past year, the song meaning has changed to me. It has gone beyond my personal relationship struggle. With the music video concept, I wanted to bring this story into a new light and share the lessons I have learned.

This is where the incredibly talented and wonderful Angie Campbell comes in.

I have always dreamed of having a modern dance music video. I LOVE when artists use dance in their videos, like Sia’s “Chandelier.” I think dance is such a magnificent way of expressing.

I asked Angie almost a year ago about doing this project with me. She is an amazing dancer and my best friend/soul sister. We have been discussing it, dreaming up ideas and clarifying the vision together over the year. I feel like the universe made us wait patiently until all the pieces were actually ready. By magical chance, when I was in St. Louis earlier this month, a fabulous dance videographer friend of mine, Duncan Wilder, was also in town. We were able to shoot everything in two days and it all fell into place like it was meant to be.

Daryon Kent, the male dancer featured in the video, was a surprise blessing. He was recommended by one of my college friends. He happened to be available the night of the shoot and even though he had never danced with Angie before, they had perfect chemistry.

We shot the dance portions of the video at Michael Hoffman’s Art Gallery in Maplewood, Missouri. The stark white backdrop was exactly what I wanted. Thanks to Michael for so generously letting us use the space! We chose minimal lighting for the evening shoot in order to capture moodiness and shadows.

The other part of the filming process took place at my parents’ house where I grew up. The window you see me sitting in is where I would write in my journal as a teenager. The piano I am playing is where I wrote the song. I wanted to capture the true essence of the space I was in when all of this happened.

the concept

Angie paints my journey through her dance. She is my inner self. In the beginning, we see Angie with her dance partner, Daryon, walking side-by-side. She keeps trying to reach him, to connect with him, yet he turns away.

She reaches her breaking point and decides to walk away from him.

The next scene is Angie dancing with her shadow. I wanted this to represent the inner struggle one goes through in making a choice like this. The darkness you must face within yourself. The loneliness, the grief, the loss of comfort, hopes and dreams, the surrender to the unknown.

In the morning, Angie brings her wisdom to me. She shares the insights she gathered once she left the life she knew behind and found strength within herself.

I finally realize the only way that I could love my partner better is to end the suffering. To let him live the life he truly wanted. To love him as he is, but know that the form we were in together was no longer working.

"I love you enough to let you go"

-sleeping at last

The last scene represents the deepest realization I’ve had from this process. The only way we can love anyone better is by loving ourselves. That means standing up for your heart and what you need and want in relationship. It is not selfish to care for yourself. You have to put on your oxygen mask first.

Once you find love in yourself, you have so much more to give.

Please watch and share on YouTube!

As I release each single, I will also share some of my personal journey and insights here on my blog. Last year was definitely the most painful, most beautiful and most transformational year of my life.

It has felt important to me to be honest with you and share my story.

I know there are others out there who have gone through something similar, or are currently on a similar journey.

I hope to offer them a sisterly hand. A shoulder to cry on. A light in the darkness.

I want to let them know that they are not alone in this.

Use this link to listen and save “How Can I Better Love You” on the platform of your choice.

I would love to hear your thoughts of the video and song.

Thank you for reading and being a part of this journey with me.